So. very. tired.

If last night had a soundtrack, it would be the Pet Shop Boys "What Have I Done to Deserve This?" For what now seems the fiftieth night in a row (but is probably only the fifth), darling C. slept in one hour increments all night until 5 a.m., when she was wide awake, sweet as honey and ready to play. I swear she slept better as a six-week old than she is sleeping as an almost six-month old. While Nate and I haven't returned to the crazed, sleep-deprived zombies we were in those first weeks of new parenthood, we are both exhausted, and tensions sometimes run high. This morning, for example, I clearly remember thinking I was going to kill him if he asked me if I wanted him to wake her up and get her ready one more time. I was trying to get myself dressed, which is no easy feat on a totally ordinary day, much less one when I have had no sleep and thus have no judgment.

I don't want to be the boss, to make all the decisions, and although I know Nate is just trying to be helpful, I end up snapping. This sucks because he doesn't deserve it. He is up with her in the middle of the night more than I am most of the time, and he is really the best co-parent anyone could hope for. Moments of crisis bring tension I'm not so good at handling, though, and we don't really have a philosophy guiding us through on this whole sleep thing. Or really this whole parenting thing. We're winging it, and for the most part that's working for all three of us. I do hate philosophies, but I think sometimes it would be nice if we had one into which we could retreat and hide for just a few hours of blissful sleep.

So here's an upside to work. If I get enough crap out of by inbox and power through a few more things, I can return to the cat naps I used to take in all the little nooks and crannies of the building when I was first knocked up. While pregnant I learned to sleep at my desk and have it appear I was on the phone, how to lock the door on the faculty bathroom and catch a few z's on the little couch in the lounge area, and I learned how to sleep on my boss' most uncomfortable wooden couch while he was at a meeting. I only need 20 minutes to feel like a brand new lover, and it's worth cutting lunch a little short for that.