No, I’m not referring to Chloe’s baffling win on Project Runway last night. And I’m not talking about the nightmare I had about being pregnant again either. Actually, I do want to talk about that because it was spooky and I woke up with such a sick feeling in my stomach that I think I may have discovered a new form of birth control. There were rabid cats and skunks in running around my doctor’s office as I asked her again and again if she was joking. “I can’t be pregnant,” I kept saying. Very strange.
What I don’t want to talk about anymore is sleep. But of course that’s a lie. I want to talk about it all the time because I think about it all the time. I just want there to be AN ANSWER. Not just any answer. A specific answer. When you’re hungry, eat. When you’re cold, put on a hat. When you’re lonely, call a friend. When you’re baby is having trouble going to sleep or sleeping through the night…..then what?? And really I’m not asking. Unless you have some witchy “Turn three times to the left and bow before the toilet before placing the kid’s head facing north and she’ll sleep until next Tuesday” trick or some magic dust, I have heard it all. I haven’t done it all, but I have heard it all. And I spend so much time drowning in advice that I sometimes think I need to take a week off work and make sleep a project. I’m only half joking here. I feel like I need to take Clementine to Sleep Boot Camp. I, a mom who shied away from hyper scheduling and regiments, want to establish guidelines, parameters, rules and a philosophy to get my baby to sleep, and then I am going to bully the hell out of her daycare to follow it as well.
After one of those unsolicited advice sessions from a generally nice older guy at work (you know the kind of conversations—he’s talking, you don’t care or agree but have to stand there and pretend to because it’s just not worth it to argue), I started wondering if indeed I AM wrong about not wanting Clementine to cry it out. It’s always bad news for me when I turn against my instinct, but something about yesterday just made me all jelly and insecure and I started wondering. Then, my dad asked me all innocent if I thought I turned out OK, a totally unfair question that implies I need to suck it up and mindlessly do what has always been done before. Yes, I turned out OK, but that’s not necessarily because you let me cry it out, Dad. I was a different baby! You were different parents! Why are you oversimplifying this? I’m not trying to be rebellious or different here—I’m just trying to make the right decision for everyone in MY house. I know people mean well, and I do appreciate the help. But on this one little hot button of a topic, the next person who can’t just empathetically listen, offer their own experiences (even if they are different) but refrain from sanctimonious advice and opinions is going to get an invitation to sleep with my baby for a night. No, not just an invitation. I am going to come to their house, leave my screaming baby with them and then go out on a much-deserved bender that will involve rock ‘n roll and tequila.
But I did not have this confidence last night, and after the bedtime window had passed and Clementine was sleeping in 15 minute increments before freaking out, I decided she must just be overtired and need to cry it out. Let me be clear that this is one of the worst parenting decisions I’ve ever made. I know it works for some people, but I am simply not one of them, and I’m going to stop trying to conform. I really think that approach is not for my kid, and I simply can’t get behind the tough it out mentality that supposes this will be worth it in the end. The ends do not justify the means, and I am now determined more than ever to find a way to get this kid to bed without terrorizing her or me in the process. And if you think I’m being dramatic here by bandying about the word “terror,” ask my sister, whom I called when I was just about out of my mind. She could tell I was on the ledge about to jump, and she could hear the wailing that subsided only when Clementine would shove a corner of her crib bumpers in her mouth in search of some kind of comfort. No, she didn’t STOP, she just muffled herself, making me worry she would smother to death.
But enough whining. My outlook is much sunnier today, and I’ pretty confident we’ll eventually find a solution. Although it was hell getting her to sleep last night, she slept pretty well throughout the night. She woke up cuter and plumper than she was the night before, and we all had enough time to roll around in bed for a while just loving on each other before another hellish day at our day jobs.
6 comments:
Wow I really feel for you. I know I was completely anti-crying-it-out with my first-born Ella, but by the time I had her little brother I'd done a turn-around, sheerly out of survival. It sure made me feel like a bad mother, that's for sure, but I guess I was just at that point where I felt the end did justify the means.
Not trying to sway you either way, as I said I did completely opposite things with mine and I think they're both turning out pretty cool. Best of luck!!
Hang in there! Maybe it is time to experiment and find out what her fav alcoholic beverage is. Screw avacados and bananas! Ya know, a lil' tequila for mommy, a lil' tequila for C.
I couldn't do it either. I didn't let them cry. I couldn't do it.
My eldest slept with us forever. Even when she would go to sleep in her own bed, I would have to lay with her until she fell asleep every night. My son hated his crib. I used to hang over the side and lay my head in the crib until he feel asleep - talk about uncomfortable.
I have no advice. Except for do what works - screw everyone else - they don't live there.
I have an 8 month old son who's doing the same thing. I tried the "cry it out" method (which I hate)as my grandma was visiting and told me that it was for the best and to get him on a schedule. The result? He's now COMPLETELY terrified of the crib and refuses to go in it, even during the day to play while I get stuff done!! Anyways he sleeps with me, I'm totally fine with it, I get sleep and so does he, everyone else's opinion be damned. There is a book called "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley which did help a bit. I was given the Babywise book and traded it in for this one.
Ear plugs :)
I know you've had lots of advice, but an alternative to the "cry it out" is to try, one minute in the room with them, one minute out, one minute in, two minutes out. Keep going until you spend about five minutes out. If they haven't started going to sleep, go back in and spend the time with them to get them to sleep, and try again the next sleep. Eventually they get used to you not being there all the time, but have the reassurance that you'll always return. My son is seven months old and now puts himself to sleep in 5-10 minutes with a little whining (not crying!!) and will also resettle himself during the night when he wakes up. He does sleep in a crib though.
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