Now with less ebb!

Or should I put a positive spin on it: Now with more flow!?

The whole ebb and flow platitude is as true of parenting as it is of life. There are hours/minutes/days that just click and work, and there are those that fall apart before you even know what hits you. I spent a long time thinking some awful karmic retribution had sentenced me to a near constant state of ebb as a mom, always peeking around the corner for a bright spot of sun to look forward to, but I think I experienced more flow than I ever realized. The challenges that once seemed insurmountable get to be easy, day-to-day stuff, clearing my plate for bigger, harder things I don't see coming.

This sounds all flowery and vague and wanna-be philosophical, and I don't mean it to. I'm just finding myself smack dab in the middle of a fantastic week with darling C., and I'm trying desperately to find an excuse for it other than the fact that I've been off work and more focused on her. It's not that I don't think that's the reason--I truly do. It's that I can't deal with the fact that we're all a little more mellow, a little more focused, a little less cranky and a whole hell of a lot better rested with one of us home all day to deal with our little gal. What does that mean for my life and my job? Home with her, I'm in tune with her schedule and am getting her some good naps, some decent meals and some great play time, and in return she is letting me get housework done and leaving me time to do my own thing, which is currently an ADD-fest of all the shit I imagine doing when I get home from work but am usually to tired to (from sewing to painting to writing to learning an instrument to fixing the house to making lamps, etc. etc. etc.).

The first few days of being home drove me a little around the bend, but I think I was still in a Vegas-y mentality: you know, what happens on mama's spring break stays on mama's spring break and let's go to Target right now and who needs a nap when there's a cool record store in Ferndale having a sale. I knew this week would be over soon enough and didn't know how to dig in and make it work as anything but a vacation with no rules. But when I realized Clementine has her own rhythm, I listened in, got good at helping her keep her pace and whammo! Things are clicking, we're getting stuff done and I'm wondering how in the hell I can go back to my 9-5. It's not a lack of desire to work that's got me itching to be home all of the sudden--I love working and am every day a little more committed to the idea that my girl needs to see me out in the world doing something. I'm just less and less convinced it has to be this traditional working in an office 8 hours a day with little flexibility and less blue sky.

I've griped about this before, but that was more about me not wanting to be away from my kid, a selfishness about not wanting to give up the best part of her day to someone else. Now I'm seeing that there is tangible benefit to being home with her (beyond selfishly satisfying my own need for endless kisses and glimpses of her cute, chubby cheeks). She's sleeping better, she's happier, she's experiementing more with food and she's even getting a little more flexible (read: fewer meltdowns when she can't get the cell phone out of her play car or because she's in an unfamiliar situation). In short, she's more comfortable in the world without so much rushing and passing her off, and we're all much happier in general. I don't want to say that having a stay-at-home parent is the panacea for all our parenting difficulties, but it's impossible to ignore that she's thriving this week and is the happiest I've ever seen her.

And to top it all off, I'm thriving as a parent. I'm not saying I'm Mother of the Year or anything, but I feel so much more relaxed, more in control and more confident. I don't feel frazzled (as much), I'm not freaked out about how much I'm screwing her up (maybe it's just denial) and I don't feel like I need to poll a thousand other more experienced moms before deciding stupid shit I should be able to decide for myself. AND (and this is a big deal) I've gotten such a handle on her sleep schedule that I'm willing to let her fuss and cry a little every once in a while to get her down. I'm not Ferbering her or anything--it's just that now I know when she needs to go down and don't feel guilty for letting her fuss out her resistence and find her way to the happy world of sleep, sleep and more sleep. I used to feel guilty for letting her cry after abandoning her all day to daycare, and, truth be told, I didn't want her to associate any feelings of terror, sadness or strife with being at home with her parents. I still won't let her get to the actual tears part of crying it out, but I do let her roll around and fuss before her morning nap instead of picking her up and bouncing her to sleep until I have to carefully contort myself in order to lay her down without her realizing it. Seems small, but it's a big deal to me.

So what does all this mean? I'm not going to run out and quit my job, but we do have new things to think about. I'm not going to get into that for now, though. For now I'm gonna enjoy my little girl every minute I can.