Despite my worst fears, Clementine survived her first day of daycare and did so rather swimmingly. Apparently, she slept for 2 1/2 hours (which she rarely does at home) played "independently" (I hear abandoned when they say this, but I'm clearly too sensitive) and enjoyed all the kids around her. When I arrived to pick her up, she was sitting happily in Sarah's lap and didn't do the happy herky-jerkies she usually does when she sees me. Sure, my heart fell a little, but what can you do? It's a slippery situation--I want her to be happy and comfortable there, but I also want her to be happy when she sees me, eager to come home. Is there room for such a gray area in her developing psyche?
A fringe benefit of her day, whether it be from overstimultion or a new nap schedule, is that she conked out for the night at about 8:15 p.m. "You must have gotten so much done!" you say, but the truth is that I wasn't ready for her to slip away so fast and ended up holding her while she slept. Am I really only going to get like 4 conscious hours of time with my little darling a day? It totally sucks, especially since I can do a lot of the work I do in a day in the evening after she goes down. I've tried to work that out with my boss, and while he is indeed understanding and flexible and more family-friendly than I could ever dare to hope, he can't really codify anything or put it in writing. Remember, I work at a pretty institutional place, and while there are indeed humans like him, there are also evil HR trolls who could care less about anything other than their corporate fantasy lives. My boss will allow me to take off the afternoons now and then or work from home from time to time when I need to, but restructuring my job so I have actual flex time just isn't going to happen. He's essentially telling me YES but really NO, which I know he has to because he is the boss and can't really see fit to pay me the same amount of money for less work (even though I'm sure I could occupy my 2 a.m. - 4 a.m. slot with something other than blissful sleep). I think this is a reality more often than not with workplaces that intend to be family friendly. They're into it in theory (or a few people are into it) but in practice can't break themselves out of the 8-5 mold. It's such a corporate mentality, and it has more to do with perception than actual work. I guarantee you I do more work by 11 a.m. than most people here do all day, but I must show my face and put in appearances to convince people outside my department that I'm actually working. If only I could embrace mediocrity--lame-ass people who don't do any work all day but manage to be physically present simply can't get in trouble here.
But yeah, yeah, yeah--I'm trying to bitch less and work more so I can get out the door and go home to darling C. I may be tired as hell (my eyes are crossing as I type), but I'm more focused than ever. It's easier to get work done when I know finishing brings me one step closer to leaving which brings me one step closer to seeing darling C. And with that, it's back to it.
1 comment:
Isn't that the truth, how in the hell do you juggle all the emotions when it comes to leaving your little one in daycare. I wish I could tell you that it got easier with time and I never had regrets, but all I ever did is wonder what my little one was doing and everything I was missing.
It's hard as hell to work and be a Mom. Very fulfilling but very tiring! :)
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