Ho hum

So it's Friday night at 8:00 p.m. and I'm wondering how I've ended up home alone with my sleeping kid on a night that used to be pretty fun for me. I've got a party to plan and a house to clean and I'm all alone, despite plans to the contrary. A few weeks ago one of my friends was all "I'll come for Cinco de Mayo, we'll drink margaritas all night and get ready for your party," and then tonight it was, "It's 7:30, I have to get home to hang out with my boyfriend." Humph. I know my life has changed a lot since I had a kid and there are a lot of things I'm not too flexible about (bed time, for example), but I like to think I follow through and am more than willing to set aside special time to be with a friend or family member who needs it. I'm also more than willing to make my home like a disco or a club so people don't notice that I've been overrun with motherhood and toys and a whole new life. How desperate. Yuck. And how naive--here I am with a bottle of tequila, a sink full of dirty dishes (yes, in addition to a house to clean--it makes me even madder), toys everywhere and hours and hours to clean it all up by myself. Maybe I'm being deluded, but I'm starting to suspect that there is no gap wider than that between a gal with a kid and one without. Until you've been here, you can't understand the isolation and frustration (and no, I'm not forgetting about the joy and elation--I'm just going with my mood for a minute). Even when I can articulate it to people, which I did tonight, they don't seem to get it. And what kind of person leaves a mom with a sink full of dirty dishes? I mean really.

And where is Nate during all this? He's at a party, which I'm glad of because that guy hardly ever takes time to go hang out and do stuff that interests him. I'm thrilled beyond measure that he's out carousing, and I hope he comes home drunk and tattooed. He DESERVES it for so many reasons. I'm feeling like a bit of an ass, though, because I should be with him. We went briefly, but I rushed through it all sensing my friend's clock was ticking. OK, the party was a little out of my league and Clemetine needed to go to sleep, but I still should have put Nate first. I sometimes think I sacrifice my time with him too easily because he is so dependable. We've been together forever, and I'm so sure of him that I don't always put him in the prime organizational slot he deserves or blow off my friends just to hang out with him. In the end, I know I have those minutes late at night and early in the morning when we are just who we are: a family, best friends, lovers, two people who just are.

Stop reading this crap--it's just a pity party. I'm going to go wash dishes and get ready for a party I'm not all that excited about now. Tomorrow will be different, I know, but this is just one of those moments you can get lost in. Blogging is probably better than picking up the phone and bitching at someone, so here it is. I feel a little like I'm in junior high, whiny and hurt on a Friday, so I'm going to go do something no junior high student can do: a shot of tequila and an R-rated movie. While I'm doing dishes, of course.