I am SWAMPED at work, feeling a little overwhelmed and trying to think of a reason not to walk out the door right now. Oh, yeah, maybe the fact that my checking account is dangerously close to empty is way more important than all this find your passion bullshit I've been daydreaming about. But two quick things:
1. If there is anyone out there who is a parent working full time outside the home (either married to another full-timer or going it alone) who has time to go to work every day showered and well-dressed, spend time with your kid, stay ahead of the laundry and house cleaning, maintain your finances AND still have time for things like exercise and socialization, will you PLEASE let me in on your secret? I want to emulate you. Or maybe I just want to kill you. I'm not sure which.
2. Why do I feel like I need to do more than half the work in raising little C.? Last night I went to the gym and felt guilty for leaving Nate home alone with the girl. This morning I had an early meeting and had the hardest time asking him to drop C. off at daycare. Sure, part of it is that it's out of the way for him and part of it is that I'm a control freak, but I also think I talk a good game about how we're all egalitarian and have a hard time separating that from feeling like I should be able to do it all. Maybe it's because I had a single mom and don't have any model for a fair division of labor. Nate is wonderful and always willing to step up to the plate when I ask him to, but I think I hate the asking part. Actually, I know I hate the asking part--on all fronts. I hate having to ask him for help, and I never manage to ask him if he can watch C. so I can go somewhere without offering it as an exchange for a night out for him. And that's not because of him at all--it's because of me (though, truth be told, I could stand a little more encouragement from him to get out in the world and maintain a normal life). Grrr. I also hate when he asks me what Clementine should wear, whether it's time for her to go to bed and stuff like that, but that's a topic for another post.
Off to meetings and meetings and more meetings. I should have brought some toothpicks to prop open my eyes. Clementine was partying at midnight last night until the wee hours AGAIN.
2 comments:
1. I have concluded that it is just not all possible. You have to focus on the most important (in most cases your kid and husband), hope to keep your job and think that by doing both of the above you keep your body in shape.
2. Normal MOTHER feelings! I have no other way to explain except to say that I TOTALLY understand! I have guilt about these things all of the time and my hubby tells me that I do it to myself. Unfortunately, he is correct!
Love that you brought these topics up!
No - when I worked outside the home - I realized only one thing. I sucked at EVERY job I had. I wasn't a good mother, or a good worker or a good house keeper. What I realized is, because you can't give 100% to one place - it gets split up - not exactly adding up to 100 - more like, 80% at work, 80% mom and 45% house and 2% on personal - gym etc.....
I was always miserable. So sorry - it is such a hard balance. Guilt, she is a bitch-whore.
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