The mama lens

I don't know if I trust any of my warm and fuzzy, cried-all-the-way-home feelings about Brokeback Mountain, as it was and is my only adventure in moviegoing since I had a baby and watched my world turn upside down. But I can't seem to stop thinking about both the characters in the film, especially Ennis Del Mar. This happens every time a book or movie gets under my skin--the characters live with me long after their story; they creep around, perch just outside my life as spectral reminders of something I want to remember (but don't always do).

What I liked most about the movie is how rich Heath Ledger's Ennis is as a character, and I don't think it's so surprising given my myopic view of the world through the mama lens these days that his moments as a parent are the ones that give him the most depth and complication in my mind. One of my favorite scenes is when he is chasing his wife out into the street to continue a loud fight and tables his rage for a minute as he turns to his daughters, scared and immobile on the swingset, to ask if they need a push or something. Although a very small part of most of the movie, his realtionship with his daughters was a huge part of the heartbreak I felt nearly all the way through. Is this the new me? Normally it would have been the shirt--and you know the shirt I'm talking about if you've seen the movie--and his careless little slouch while wearing it on the mountain that would have haunted me long after the credits.