8 weeks old...

...and we're just finally getting into a groove.

Before Clementine was born, I thought I had all the answers. Although pregnancy took us by surprise, it's not as if we were totally unprepared. We had a house, jobs, love, a stable life. How hard could adding a kid to the mix really be? Fewer concerts and nights out, less running around and drinking, but what a cool family life we could have in exchange for some of that. I had a great pregnancy, a pretty short and easy labor and then...well, then things all fell apart. I don't think I had thought about what would happen AFTER the baby was born--that's all instinct, right? How hard could it be?

Now that it's all behind us, I think it wasn't all that terrible. But in the thick of it--troubles nursing, illness, fussiness, incessant crying, no sleep, endless visitors, newfound insecurity, doubts about my ability to parent, doubts about Nate's ability to parent, solitude, etc.--I thought it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I remember a friend who had been through all that and then some telling me, "Amanda, in a year your life will be so much better." A year? Why do people do this, I wondered.

But the cloud lifted. It was never all bad because I had this beautiful little creature depending on me, getting to know me and helping me get to know her. Sure, we struggled, but the good times were always there and became more plentiful as I began to relax and think again that it's all instinct and how hard could it really be? I let go of the parenting books, and my anxiety disappeared. I let Clementine take over and things got so much better as I followed her lead and worked to hush the voices of common knowledge that came at me from all sides, each with its own agenda.

In general and in theory, I've never been one to subscribe to common knowledge theories. But every time my life gets a good shake up (a baby, graduation, a job change, marriage), I do freak out a little and try to find a book or a theory or a set path to explain it all away. It's a weakness I always end up regretting: that moment of insecurity leads to so many more when I abandon my own ideas and try to plug in the theories other people have developed. Luckily, I have a good safety net of people (starting with Nate, who is way smarter than I ever give him credit for being) who bring me back to myself, remind me that things work out and urge me to get back into my own head.

And so it is that Clementine is 8 weeks old today and we are happily chilling out in front of the computer thinking about all that has happened to us in such a relatively short period of time. She has been all smiles this morning, and I've been grateful for every second we have together. There are lots of things I'm still trying to figure out; as content as Clementine has made me, my life still feels like it's in upheaval. I have lots to figure out in the coming weeks. (How) will I go back to work? How do moms balance work and a life (especially a creative one) and a kid and a marriage and still feel like they are giving each one the best they can? How will I put Clementine in day care? Do I even want to work? Why do I feel guilty either way? How can I be the best mother for Clementine and still give myself time to be me?

Ah, she fusses. Enough introspection for now.