Doting...the conversation continues

About a month ago, I was shocked when my boss told me to beware my "doting" on Clementine, which I think we can all agree was a stupid comment to make, especially since the connotation was that I am ruining her life by caring too much. I will cop to being very interested in my child, my TODDLER, very involved in her life and doing anything I can to make more time for her, and if that makes me doting, then lay it on me, brother. I'm not sure what kind of parenting he would support, but I'm pretty sure it's the kind that leaves all things child at home waiting for me like a sad, abandoned pet. He is the typical workaholic who gets way too much of his identity from his job, stays late, arrives early and thinks anyone who sticks to a normal schedule lacks dedication. He thinks you need to work at a place for years before you enjoy any perks and is all about putting in one's time. I wouldn't be picking on him too much if he weren't continuing to pick on me...and not even to my face.

I heard from a coworker that he is now espousing opinions about how I should have another kid soon, lest I smother Clementine with too much doting and attention. Because at heart I tend to be insecure, when I first heard this I felt a twinge of embarassment before the red hot anger. Am I doting? Am I not being professional enough? Though this workplace calls itself "family friendly," it's a complicated friendliness that is really about being friendly to families that have one working parent and one that stays at home. Many jobs here provide free housing and food, which allows one parent to stay home and care for the child(ren) while the other works. See, family friendly. Of course nothing is really free, so the housing means the employee has to do dorm duty weekly and chaperone dances, attend open houses, etc., but it's a pretty good deal, especially if it frees one's spouse to pursue a career with less rigid hours or stay home entirely to support. Sure, there are a few families who manage to pull off having two full-time working parents, but those are teachers, which means summers and vacations for at least one parent completely off. There is not a single year-round administrator here who has young children (or children at all in most cases) AND a working partner. Oh, except me. I am the only one trying to balance the enormous responsibilities of my job with the important responsibilities of raising a young child with my working spouse, and I'm not asking for special treatment (OK, I did, but since that was denied I'm sucking it up). I'm asking that they stop this sniping, this shitty commentary that makes me feel insecure or guilty for the few ounces of love I squeeze out of my work day and spend on darling C.

Vitriol aside, what I'm starting to see clearly about this workplace is that ANY evidence of parenting aside from one or two photos or quick, amusing stories could be seen as doting by people like my boss. Struggles with parenting or balancing a job and a family life need to remain invisible, as should any anecdote that is more involved than "Clementine really likes grapes, too." If it's more than a sentence, I'm doting for some of these old schoolers, and it's making it hard for me to sit with them at the lunch table and not feel like I'm being picked apart. It's one thing to be chastised for caring for one's child...I can't even begin to address the fact that my boss also feels like he should have input on my rate of reproduction.

When I posted on doting before, I got an email from a friend with a list of all the things I should start saying back to my dippy boss whenever he makes stupid comments like this. It's fun to imagine the witty and childish retorts I could silence and embarass him with, but I'm starting to think of an offensive strategy instead of just defense--and not a righteous, empowered, I-am-mother-hear-me-roar kind of offensive strategy. I'm thinking instead of making those obnoxious photo buttons with pictures of darling C and pinning them to every shirt, coat, jacket, sweater, bag and briefcase I carry. I will paper my office with pictures of her. I will create an email list with a cloyingly cute Clementine story of the day and send it to everyone who has tried to make me feel guilty for bowing out of a late meeting or leaving early on a nice day so we can get to the park or doting on her. I will answer every personal anecdote my boss tells me with one about Clementine. I will even use her as an example or analogy in work discussions. If he wants to know what doting is, I will aim to become the text book example.

Oh shit. I just realized he and I are going on a business trip together in February. I bet he's going to be really sympathetic to any of my feelings about leaving my child alone for the first time in her life as I fly across the country.

I'm buying a lottery ticket on the way home.