Last night Clementine had her last sip of breast milk from the last bag of the ridiculously huge supply I stored away in our freezer (bought this time last year when I realized this whole breastfeeding things isn't always the most intuitive). Normally I would have found this occasion momentous, heartbreaking or somehow significant in terms of the kind of mother I am or want to be. How many hours of my life did I spend lamenting that Clementine wouldn't latch, that she wouldn't get the year of breast milk I wanted for her? Seriously, how much time did I waste? While I'm proud that I was able to pump for just about a year and give her 14 months of breast milk, it is only now that I'm looking back and wondering if I made a martyr of myself because I'm just that fucking stubborn. Is formula really that bad when you've exhausted every other possibility? I was raised on it. So many people told me it was OK to stop, but I just couldn't hear them--i really believed in what I was doing (and, truth be told, I was too cheap to buy formula). Even when I was crouched in a tent, Clementine sitting next to me and signing for milk as I pumped and pumped and then handed a bottle over to her it seemed like a good idea. What in the hell was I thinking?
There are moments, though, that I think it wasn't that bad. If I can't give my kid a year of inconvenience, what does that say? But then again, what does it say if, as a mother, I put all other needs above my own? How does that teach her to be her own person?
See, 14 months into it and I still have more questions than answers.
But last night I was proud of myself. No drama, no ceremony, no staged goodbye to the milk--I handed the bottle to Nate and went downstairs while he fed it to her. Another era gone by.
3 comments:
congrats. I understand your questions; but isn't there a satisfaction in pumping? like: holy crap, look at what I can make? Maybe you just did it because you could, which is a perfectly good reason.
Almost nine years later and I still have more questions than answers at this point. I don't think it gets easier. WOW. I was not helpful at all, was I? lol
Great post and good job! it is not until after it's done that you can really analyze and question the lengths moms go through to BF their kids. I did it for 18months until I was preg w/ #2, and now #2 is 7 months and I only see a long road ahead of me.... or is it that long????
Post a Comment